A guide to people watching

BYO sunglasses and/or shifty eyes.

I love people watching. I don't mean to boast but I would hazard a guess that I've most likely watched dozens of people in my life, maybe even hundreds. All different ones too, which is generally how it goes. You should never be picky with people watching. The more specific you are, the more red flags you are likely to raise. Saying 'I like people watching' is fine but you can't say 'I like watching this one particular person'.

There aren't many better places to do some people watching than a piazza. If you've ever told someone you are going on holiday to Europe, you've likely noticed that person suddenly become very wistful as they reminisce about some of the glorious people watching they've done in various piazzas, most likely over a fizzy drink of some sort. There are of course lots of other places to watch people as well. Some good ones include trains, buses, airports and across the dining table if you happen to live with other people (that last one was a joke).

One of the reasons why piazzas rank so highly is because people watching is a holiday activity. No one has time to people watch at home. This is partly because we are just too busy. We have day jobs and pilates classes to go to, kids soccer practice and also just being inside our homes doing home things. The other reason is perhaps we are bored of the people around us. We are happy to look at them if we are talking to them or want to avoid bumping into them, but not enough to people watch them.

Here is an example of some people watching I did last year in a piazza in Kotor, Montenegro:

Sitting at the table to the left of me is an older man with a cockatoo style hairdo. Not a mohawk but a row of spiky tufts that rise up the back of his head and then dwindle as they level out on top. I think it might be a totally invented hairstyle. Imagine having your own hairstyle that no one else has? He must hate having to change hairdressers.

A little girl seated with her family has her back to me and is wearing a Pikachu hat. Or it could also be a Pikachu with a girl's body attached. A bald man with a goatee is chewing with his mouth open. The people around him have gotten up and he looks annoyed because he's still eating. He looks like he will rant about this later to someone who's heard it all before.

There are two couples that are finishing dinner, although one of the men has brought two ice cream cones over from the ice cream bar and no one looks fussed, despite the fact that two people are still eating their dinner. I imagine the bald man with the goatee would have something to say about this. 

A couple has just sat down but they seem uncommitted and are glancing around as if trying to decide whether or not to leave. I understand what they are going through and I want to go over to them and tell them to commit. I was in your shoes ten minutes ago, I'd tell them. There are endless options yes, but you will find peace if you just let go of that. They will look confused and annoyed and tell me to mind my own business. Fair enough, sorry, I don't know what came over me.

I of course didn't go over to them because you should never go over to someone you are people watching, not just because you should mind your own business, but also because you shouldn't let on that you are watching them. Especially don't inform them ahead of time that you plan on watching them from afar. Their reaction tends to range from uncomfortable all the way up to angry and threatening to call the police.

When my younger brother was little, he had a bad habit of standing open-mouthed in public places and staring at people, earning him the nickname 'Stare Bear' for a brief period of time. It's the kind of behaviour that people tolerate a lot more when it's a small child compared to a fully grown adult, and thankfully he grew out of it before it became a problem.

The point here is that people watching is a subtle dance. It requires finesse, a soft touch. You don't want to spook your fellow diners or passers-by.

As a starting point, you should ideally be wearing sunglasses, the benefits of which obviously go without saying. If you are a seasoned people watcher however, you can make do without by employing some moves from The Shifty Eyes Playbook. These include the ‘turn around’, ‘the sweep’ and the classic ‘side eye’.

When scouting a potential location to do some people watching, it's a good idea to pick somewhere that has a good ratio of watchers to watchees. The last thing you want is a whole lot of people watching people watching people. It’s all a bit much really. For this reason I've often thought it would be nice if waitstaff could provide recommendations if you are deciding on whether or not to set up camp.

'Ah ok, yes well we have a couple over here having a heated discussion which doesn't look like letting up anytime soon. Or, if you're after a more visual spectacle, personally I've been really enjoying these two in the fluoro and heavy spray tan.'

If you are an expert level people watcher, you may actually enjoy the challenge of watching other watchers. It can be quite a thrill to spot a people watcher and turn the tables on them. Sometimes, if you are especially talented, you might even find yourself being headhunted by a secret intelligence agency. It's common knowledge that many people now working as secret agents got their start people watching in a piazza. I have several friends who this happened to, but I obviously can't talk about it.

One of the more underrated bonuses of people watching is the opportunity to also do some people listening. This often tends to be an add-on and never its own activity despite it being equally fascinating. I’ve listened to some great stuff over the years. One day a lady rode past me on a bike chatting to another friend and the only snippet I caught was ‘And that was the last time I saw my father’. Had there been an option to become a paid subscriber and unlock the rest of the story, I would have paid exorbitant prices just to find out what happened. On another occasion I overheard two ladies talking in great detail about their preferred breakfast options. It’s a real mixed bag sometimes, you never know what you might get.

People listening I've found to be a lot like coming in halfway through a TV show. You're trying to work out who Jen is, whether she might be the sister, and all of a sudden Tim is in the picture. What’s his story? People watching on the other hand is more like watching a TV show with the sound off. You're trying to figure out the story but it's not that clear. Is that person mad or are they just talking passionately? And I wonder what relation that other person is? I thought he was related but now he has his hand on her knee.

Out of all the senses, it tends to be slim pickings once you get past watching and listening. People smelling is definitely not a thing, and you should also steer clear of people touching. And don't get me started on people tasting.

There are of course lots of other kinds of watching you can do as well. Birds are a good one. They don’t tend to mind much. Trains as well. That's a very low stakes kind of watching. You may have to venture further out from a piazza for any of these.

As far as the people variety goes, all this should be enough for you to get started. I hope some it has been helpful and that it might inspire you to get out and watch some people. There are lots of good ones out there. All sorts really, you’d be surprised.

Perhaps one day I’ll even run into you in a piazza. If so, you should come and say hi. Or better yet, maybe we can exchange a slight nod. One people watcher to another. Just subtle enough to not give each other away.