If, at various points in your life, you have ever found yourself asking the questions: which tree would be a good party guest for my soirée? Is it wise for my husband to spend time with a eucalyptus? And which tree is most like my flat-earther uncle? Then this post is for you.
Here are five spicy character profiles on trees. I hope you enjoy.
The Eucalyptus Tree (aka Widow Makers)
In Australia, giant eucalyptus trees often go by the nickname 'Widow Makers'. This is because they are quite unstable and have often been known to drop big branches without warning. And presumably, because of the name, specifically only on people who happen to be married to a woman. This extremely targeted and calculated kind of attack is exactly what makes these trees so sinister.
For this reason, it's important never to wear your wedding ring in front of a eucalyptus tree. And, if you are ever engaged in conversation with a eucalyptus and the topic of relationship status comes up, it's always best to carefully and swiftly steer things to more safer topics, like soil or politics.
At the house where I grew up, there have been various eucalyptus trees that have unfortunately had to be removed or cut back in recent times. This is because they not only got too big, but also I'm assuming, have made a number of attempts on my dad's life over the years.
The Weeping Willow
Weeping willows are the mopiest of all the trees. Very much the Eeyore of the tree world. Often found slumped dramatically over a lake, they very rarely get invited to parties because of their melancholy nature. They are often too quickly dismissed however and should you ever find yourself one-on-one with a weeping willow at an event, it can be quite a treat as they make wonderful conversationalists due to their deep and thoughtful way of looking at the world.
They may sometimes need propping up and will quite easily find a patch of grass to wallow on if left to their own devices. One way to perk up a weeping willow, as much as you can with one, is to discuss the arts with them. Because of their sensitive and emotional nature, they are often heavily involved in the arts scene, and in most cases, more than willing to pose for a painting. It’s rumoured that one of Claude Monet's iconic pieces came about after he shared several rum and cokes with a weeping willow at a housewarming.
The Silk Floss Tree
A very security-conscious tree. Covered in tiny thorns and sporting a slight dad-bod figure, the silk floss tree attracts a lot of attention. Personality-wise, they have an extremely fearful and overly pessimistic view of the world which seems to stem from a desire to protect anyone from coming too close to its precious seeds containing a silky cotton-type fibre. Unfortunately, this behaviour only further isolates it from the rest of the world, thus making it more angry and protective. In my one encounter with a silk floss tree, I tried hard to point this out and reason with it, even appealing to its practical nature by pointing out that having all this security also highlights you have something to hide, making you in fact more of a target. As you'd expect though, it didn't go down well.
The Olive Tree
Everyone needs a trusted advisor in their lives like the olive tree. Very much a wise old soul. A thousand or so years on the planet will do that. Often propped up by a stack of bricks because of weary old limbs, this only adds to their aura. Very good listeners with a calm presence, a long or even a brief chat with them will leave you feeling at peace with the world. For any problems you wish to get their counsel on, it's worth noting that the best kinds of questions are the big life ones. Small-minded affairs or what the potential council restrictions might be should you wish to extend your verandah aren't likely to yield you the results you're after.
Seekers of wisdom should also be mindful of the sizeable generation gap with some of the olive trees (sometimes up to several thousand years), and that on the odd occasion, some olive trees have been known to express slightly outdated views. For that reason, it’s best to not bring up topics like immigration or whether it’s appropriate for a nobleman to allow his livestock or the servants of the house to share his living quarters.
A giant weird-looking melty tree I once saw in a small town in Italy
Highly cosmic and psychedelic. Full of stories, mostly involving its heavy drug use over the years. Appears to be in a perpetual state of melting and also possibly suffering from a kind of drug bloat. Mostly harmless though and perfectly fine to engage in small chats with. Anything longer though and the conversation will almost always come round to conspiracy theories. At which point, you might find you're in for a lengthy stay. Eventually, when you’re able to finally extract yourself out of the deep paranoid rabbit hole you've been pulled down into, you'll almost certainly be walking away with all sorts of documentaries you definitely need to watch.
I love trees! When I lived in NYC, Central Park was such a comforting place surrounded by them. Living in Franklin, TN we’re surrounded by beautiful trees but lately I cry when they cut so many down for more buildings… reminds me of the Lorax
When watching LOTR and the trees go to battle it wrecked me, gave me a whole different perspective on life…
That was hilarious, Michael. I will be very careful to avoid politics with olive trees. And probably weeping willows altogether.
BTW, I can confirm how dangerous gum trees are. I had this experience while canyoning in the Blue Mountains about a month ago:
https://youtube.com/shorts/FaPfsvD3QNo