This week's post is inspired by a job ad I came across a few years ago, which upon reading, prompted me to save it in my notes folder under the title 'Ridiculous job ad', so I could easily find it again.
Had it not been for the fact that the company advertising for the position was in fact a real company, the ad could have quite easily passed for a clever piece of satire. One that managed to include not only every tech company job buzzword imaginable, but also provide a brilliant parody of that very particular type of Extremely Serious, Extremely Important, high performance workplace.
Perhaps it's because I've had the unfortunate pleasure of logging onto LinkedIn in recent times, which has me thinking about this particular ad again. Perhaps it's that any small amount of exposure to corporate speak makes me want to dip my head into an acid bath. Either way, I’ve felt a strong desire to process some of that mild frustration, and what better way than to make art about it. Specifically a poem.
Watch out everyone, he's doing poetry! Inform the stakeholders!
It's hard to explain how utterly absurd the job post is. I wish I could share with you some of the language verbatim, but I think it would probably ruin the magic. All I'll say is that, even though I've taken some creative liberties, you'd be surprised at which of the wording is made up, and which is pulled directly from the ad.
Anyway, this poem is inspired by the most ridiculous job ad I have ever come across. I had fun making it and I hope you enjoy it.
Must be willing to dance with the devil Take moonshots, be a rebel Must be world class Must live and breathe the craft Must break things and move fast, and be highly proficient at upsetting apple carts
Must thrive under constant pressure Must keep calm and carry on forever Must love a tight deadline Must love the hustle and grind Must not a have a breakdown on company time
You should know, our culture is unheralded Any negative Glassdoor reviews unmerited We're a tight knit family We're about good vibes and energy If you're not with us you're the enemy Must be familiar with The Art of War, and no stranger to settling a score Must enjoy getting down in the trenches and being on the offensive Must own your own sword and shield Must have experience on the battlefield Every second Friday is restorative yoga, where employees can process any battlefield trauma Must be obsessed Must be wild-eyed and possessed Must be passionate Must be operating on a different planet Must be a natural storyteller Must have formal training as a ninja Must be an actual rockstar (five years experience or similar) Must be willing to give up the rockstar dream and instead come and drive results onsite, as part of our in-house team Must be relentless in your pursuit of excellence Must be able to synthesize info Must know all the lingo Speed to result High converting like a cult Personal optimisation Innovation and collaboration Liaising with different stakeholders from your workstation
Must be accessible through various touch points Must be willing to be touched on your touch points Must have an unquenchable thirst for personal growth Must have tried quenching it multiple times, and then gone to seek medical advice before being referred to a therapist who pointed out to you that what was needed was to dig into the reasons why your thirst for personal growth was unquenchable, and perhaps the answer was in fact radical acceptance and self-love, because ultimately thirst is quenchable, and btw your therapist doesn't want you using that kind of language anymore. Must have an insatiable hunger for learning (see above) Must be unstoppable Must be relentless Must be insatiable and unquenchable Must be fully optimised Must be perfect Must be flawless Must meet all the above If this sounds like you, please get in touch Please note: we require all applicants to pass a final test to prove to us that you can correctly guess which of the boxes you think contain traffic lights and then a second one with motorbikes.
Hey, hope you enjoyed the post. Drop me a comment below if this reminds you of any jobs you’ve had in the past. If you have an unquenchable and insatiable desire for more of this sort of thing, you should subscribe below. And as always, any shares/restacks or donations are greatly appreciated!
I don't know.....it seems unfair to advertise a position that you clearly need filled by a messed up individual and only be offering fortnightly restorative yoga, and the threat of no time off for meltdowns!
I'm lovin the poetry Michael.
Not a job I would ever consider applying for, however my kids could probably hold their own with all those techies - at least long enough to be missed when they got fed up and walked out.
Love the poetry anyway!