The most ridiculous job ad ever

Problematic organisation seeks high performance poet.

This week's post is inspired by a job ad I came across a few years ago, which upon reading, prompted me to save it in my notes folder under the title 'Ridiculous job ad', so I could easily find it again.

Had it not been for the fact that the company advertising for the position was in fact a real company, the ad could have quite easily passed for a clever piece of satire. One that managed to include not only every tech company job buzzword imaginable, but also provide a brilliant parody of that very particular type of Extremely Serious, Extremely Important, high performance workplace.

Perhaps it's because I've had the unfortunate pleasure of logging onto LinkedIn in recent times, which has me thinking about this particular ad again. Perhaps it's that any small amount of exposure to corporate speak makes me want to dip my head into an acid bath. Either way, I’ve felt a strong desire to process some of that mild frustration, and what better way than to make art about it. Specifically a poem.

Watch out everyone, he's doing poetry! Inform the stakeholders!

It's hard to explain how utterly absurd the job post is. I wish I could share with you some of the language verbatim, but I think it would probably ruin the magic. All I'll say is that, even though I've taken some creative liberties, you'd be surprised at which of the wording is made up, and which is pulled directly from the ad.

Anyway, this poem is inspired by the most ridiculous job ad I have ever come across. I had fun making it and I hope you enjoy it.

Must be willing to dance with the devil
Take moonshots, be a rebel
Must be world class
Must live and breathe the craft
Must break things and move fast,
and be highly proficient at upsetting apple carts

Must thrive under constant pressure
Must keep calm and carry on forever
Must love a tight deadline
Must love the hustle and grind
Must not a have a breakdown on company time

You should know, our culture is unheralded
Any negative Glassdoor reviews unmerited

We're a tight knit family
We're about good vibes and energy
If you're not with us you're the enemy

Must be familiar with The Art of War,
and no stranger to settling a score
Must enjoy getting down in the trenches
and being on the offensive
Must own your own sword and shield
Must have experience on the battlefield

Every second Friday is restorative yoga, 
where employees can process any battlefield trauma

Must be obsessed
Must be wild-eyed and possessed
Must be passionate
Must be operating on a different planet

Must be a natural storyteller
Must have formal training as a ninja
Must be an actual rockstar 
(five years experience or similar)
Must be willing to give up the rockstar dream
and instead come and drive results onsite, as part of our in-house team

Must be relentless 
in your pursuit of excellence
Must be able to synthesize info
Must know all the lingo
Speed to result
High converting like a cult
Personal optimisation
Innovation and collaboration
Liaising with different stakeholders from your workstation

Must be accessible through various touch points
Must be willing to be touched on your touch points

Must have an unquenchable thirst for personal growth
Must have tried quenching it multiple times, and then gone to seek medical advice before being referred to a therapist who pointed out to you that what was needed was to dig into the reasons why your thirst for personal growth was unquenchable, and perhaps the answer was in fact radical acceptance and self-love, because ultimately thirst is quenchable, and btw your therapist doesn't want you using that kind of language anymore.

Must have an insatiable hunger for learning (see above)

Must be unstoppable
Must be relentless
Must be insatiable and unquenchable
Must be fully optimised
Must be perfect
Must be flawless

Must meet all the above
If this sounds like you, please get in touch

Please note: we require all applicants to pass a final test
to prove to us that you can correctly guess
which of the boxes you think contain traffic lights
and then a second one with motorbikes.

Hey, hope you enjoyed the post. Drop me a comment below if this reminds you of any jobs you’ve had in the past. If you have an unquenchable and insatiable desire for more of this sort of thing, you should subscribe below. And as always, any shares/restacks or donations are greatly appreciated!